She chooses second, and that is the only rule

nobody hands her a list. she is told to pick something, after someone else has.

The mother of the groom wears a full-length or midi dress in a colour that is not white, not ivory and not the mother of the bride's shade, chosen after the mother of the bride has chosen hers. Deep botanical colours photograph best. Cover the shoulders or carry a layer. Order ten weeks before the ceremony.

What does the mother of the groom wear?

Length first. A full-length or midi hem reads as considered in almost every setting a wedding puts you in, and it photographs better than a short dress. After that there are three decisions, the same three every time: colour, fabric and sleeve.

The role asks less of you than you think. There is no separate dress code for the groom's mother. What exists is an order of choosing and one courtesy attached to it. I am Myrah Penaloza, a designer and a Kundalini Yoga teacher in Bali, and every piece named below is from our mother of the groom collection, made by the artisan families we work with.

Should the mother of the groom match the mother of the bride?

No, and you should not clash either. The convention is simple: the mother of the bride chooses first, and the mother of the groom chooses a shade that sits beside hers rather than against it. One exchanged photograph settles it, usually in an afternoon.

That is the whole of the etiquette, and worth saying plainly because most guides make it sound like a negotiation. You are not asking permission. You are avoiding the one awkwardness that is avoidable, two women in the same dusty rose on either side of the couple.

If nobody has told you what she is wearing, ask. It is a two-line message, and it makes the rest of this easy.

What colour should the mother of the groom wear, and what should she avoid?

Avoid white, ivory, cream and champagne, unless the bride has asked for them in writing. Avoid the bridesmaids' colour, for the same reason. Beyond that, deep and botanical colours are the easy answer, because they hold their depth in strong light where pastels wash out and go grey in photographs.

Forest green, deep rust, clay and matcha sit comfortably beside almost anything the mother of the bride will choose. Black is fine at an evening ceremony and warm at a midday one. The fuller argument against dressing like the background is in our letter on the non-traditional mother of the bride.

What works for a beach or destination wedding?

Everything above, plus fabric. Humidity exposes anything synthetic inside twenty minutes, and a lined bodice in full sun is a decision you regret before the vows finish. Linen and ramie breathe and wrinkle honestly. Bamboo rayon feels cooler on the skin than cotton at the same temperature, which is how it carries a long sleeve in heat.

Shoes: a flat, an espadrille or a low wedge. A stiletto sinks into sand and snaps. Our guide to beach wedding mother of the bride dresses covers the sand and heat detail, and what to look for in a linen dress explains how to read a fabric label before you buy.

Four pieces that work, and who each one suits

• The Dharma Gown, $298. 100% stonewashed French linen, certified to OEKO-TEX Standard 100. Full length, open front, side pockets, one size, in Beige, Forest Green or Harvest Moon Red. Held in stock, so it is the piece to choose if your ceremony is close. Forest Green is the mother of the groom answer.
• The Ramie Botanical Origami Gown, $333. 100% ramie, the nettle fibre, botanically dyed in small batches in Bali. Full length with a wide folded Origami sleeve, so the arms are covered without a separate layer. In Matcha, Uluwatu Sunset, Golden Sunset or Black Dark Moon. Made to order.
• The Gloria Dress, $364. Silk and cotton, round neck, deep side pockets, in S/M and M/L. The silk carries the light and the cotton keeps it cool. Choose Dark Moon Black for evening. A matching Gloria Jacket exists if the room is formal.
• The Virgo Rising Gown, $244. 100% bamboo rayon, long sleeve, deep V neckline, drawstring waist, side slit, in White, Dark Moon or Clay. Take Clay or Dark Moon: White belongs to the bride. The long sleeve that works in heat.

If a sleeveless dress is the one you love, the Fall Nidra Duster at $318 is the layer that solves the shoulder question without committing you to sleeves. Worn open over a slip for the ceremony, left open at dinner. Every full-length piece sits together in the mother of the groom collection.

When to order, counting backwards from the ceremony

Our pieces are made to order or in small batches, so the timing is honest rather than instant. Allow 3 to 6 weeks from order to shipment, then 5 to 15 business days with DHL. Counting backwards, order ten weeks before the wedding, which leaves room for an alteration.

If the ceremony is sooner than that, choose a piece held in stock. The Dharma Gown is in stock in all three colourways. If you would rather understand why the lead time exists before you commit to it, what made to order actually means explains what happens in those weeks.

Common questions about mother of the groom dresses

What does the mother of the groom wear to a wedding?

A full-length or midi dress in a colour that is not white, ivory, cream, champagne or the bridesmaids' shade, chosen after the mother of the bride has chosen hers. Deep botanical colours photograph best. Cover the shoulders or carry a layer.

Does the mother of the groom have to ask the mother of the bride first?

Not ask, but check. The convention is that the mother of the bride chooses first and the mother of the groom picks a shade that sits beside hers. One exchanged photograph settles it.

What colour should the mother of the groom not wear?

White, ivory, cream and champagne, unless the bride has asked for them in writing, and the bridesmaids' colour. Pastels are allowed but wash out in strong light. Forest green, deep rust, clay and matcha are the safer depth.

Can the mother of the groom wear black?

Yes at an evening ceremony, where black reads as formal rather than sombre. At a midday ceremony in direct sun it is simply hot. For depth without the heat, deep rust or forest green gets you there.

How far in advance should the mother of the groom order her dress?

Ten weeks before the ceremony if the piece is made to order. For our pieces, allow 3 to 6 weeks from order to shipment, then 5 to 15 business days with DHL. If the wedding is sooner, choose a piece held in stock.

You are not the second mother in the photograph. You raised half of the reason everyone travelled to be in it.

With love from Bali,
Myrah